


slow down and take a deep breath (and look for the truth behind colors)

by akingnotaprincess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blind Character, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Depression, F/M, Happy Ending, No Dialogue, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Season/Series 03, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-10 04:03:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akingnotaprincess/pseuds/akingnotaprincess
Summary: Kanan tries not to be angry, but it's hard. He tries to remain calm and think things through, but it's hard. He tries to care, but it's hard.





	slow down and take a deep breath (and look for the truth behind colors)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alexcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/gifts).



Kanan tries not to be angry, but it's hard. He tries to remain calm and think things through, but it's hard. He tries to _care_ , but it's hard.

 

* * *

  
The Ghost needed to refuel desperately and the kids need a break to stretch their legs. Sabine is complaining that she needs new art supplies, specifically shades of blue and pink that Kanan has never heard of (because weren't colors simple? What was light hot pink and ultramarine anyway?). Zeb and Ezra have been fighting for days. Kanan isn't even sure why they are fighting. He guesses they don't either. Ezra has been sleeping on the couch in the common area.  
  
  
  
It angers Kanan that Ezra has been avoiding him. Before Kanan enters a room he can hear Ezra talk animatedly about something as serious as the Empire or something as mundane as a big battle or death on one of his favorite holo-shows. Once Kanan steps across the threshold Ezra freezes up. Kanan feels his aura and it reeks of disgust, loathing, and sadness. Every time Extra will make a weak excuse and hurry out of the room.  
  
  
  
It angers Kanan, but he understands why Ezra keeps his distance. Who wanted to be around a broken and blind Jedi who had outlasted his usefulness.  


* * *

  
  
  
The kids are off the ship doing whatever tasks Hera has assigned them. All of them should be back before dusk. The only ones on the ship besides himself are Hera and Chopper. Both are tinkering with some equipment in the gun turret. Hera said they needed some major upgrades. Kanan didn't know what exactly was wrong with them. It had been fine the last time he used them a few months ago before--  
  
  
  
He's meditating in his room. He hopes that the it will help calm his mind, help him cope with his loss and failures. He couldn't protect Ezra from Maul. He couldn't save his Master from the Clones. He couldn't save Ahsoka from Vader. He left her there to _die_. In the end he was a coward who always ran away from problems. Except now that his vision was gone there was no way to run away from that. He's stuck alone with his thoughts and there was no way to escape. He curls his hands into fists. He digs his fingernails into his palms, and presses harder so it hurts _more_. It's not enough and the loathing is building and building in his chest until it finally explodes as Kanan lets out a guttural scream. He briefly loses control of his powers and the ship _shakes_.

 

Kanan is catching his breath when Hera rushes in, not bothering to ask for permission to come in (not that she needed one). Hera kneels down behind him and wraps her warm arms around his chest and buries her face into his shoulder blade. Kanan hears her whisper  _It's okay, I love you, I love you, I'm here for you, it'll be alright, it's okay, I love you_. The words sink in and he lets the tension in his body fade away. He takes her hand and intertwines it with his own. 

 

Hera is careful not to touch his visor and he's grateful for that.

 

* * *

  
It's the last day on this planet before they head to a new Rebel base that is in the process of being built. The kids seem in better spirits than before. Sabine smells like new paint. Ezra and Zeb aren't fighting for a change. They come back to The Ghost laughing and punching each other in jest. Chopper is rolling back and forth between decks for whatever reason. Hera is the only one who hasn't returned.

 

He carefully walks down the ramp to the ground. It's the first time he's been off the ship. The sun is warm on his face and by instinct he shields his eyes from the sun. He curses and hangs his arms at his sides.

 

He hears uncontrollable laughter in the distance and glances around to find the source. He zeros in on Hera's aura-- orange and yellow-- dazzling as ever. There's a group of children surrounding her. He can feel the happiness radiating off of the children. Warm colorful auras that Kanan hadn't sensed in years.

 

Kanan remembers that Sabine mentioned that there were a lot of orphaned children on this side of the planet. Orphaned from the war who had no where to go. Their lives must be so horrible, they must be filled to the brim with pain. Yet here they were happy as could be all because of Hera. Pride swells his chest. It was amazing what Hera was

 

Maybe this was what the Rebellion was about. Maybe this is why it's all Hera has wanted to do. She wants to make the galaxy a better place to live in. A place where children could be happy.

  
  
  
Kanan leans against the ramp of The Ghost, crossing his arms and sighs. He still feels off, that he'll never be the same again. He knows that it will be a hard struggle to feel any semblance of normalcy. But Hera will be there. Always by his side. Kanan keeps watching until Hera drags herself away. She jogs to the Ghost and stops short in front of him. He feels her staring and it makes his skin itch. After several moments she _hmphs_ and goes up the ramp. Kanan chuckles and follows her. He'll follow her anywhere.


End file.
